Christmas, the Time of Darkness

Now that Christmas is almost upon us, it’s as good a time as any to talk about the Satanic elements embedded within the holiday ritual, and that the real Reason for the Season is to give praise to the Prince of Darkness. Our beloved Puritan ancestors knew about this, and knew that an Orgy of Consumerism was just lurking behind the so-called Yuletide blessings. What could promote selfishness and materialism more than gift-giving? And everyone knows that whenever you see the word ‘enchanted,’ that is just code for Demonic. So here is a guide for the uninformed of just a few of the things hand in glove with the underworld at Christmastime:

Santa = Satan. The name Santa is even an anagram for the name Satan. You don’t have to try hard to see that this the ultimate agency of evil has transformed himself into a morbidly obese bearded stealer of souls traveling the entire world in one night, breaking and entering every single house in the course of this, and chugging Coca-Cola products all along the way, to the delight of children everywhere. What more proof do you need? Frosty, representing the Cold Hand of Death, is his partner in crime.

The Christmas Tree is an inverted crucifix. Since Satan-worshippers irreverently invert the cross and hold it upside down when they adorn it and worship it, it eventually takes on the appearance of an evergreen wider at the bottom than the top. Before people put flashing electric lights and ornaments on it to celebrate it as Satan’s living advertisement, people burnt candles of Satanic fire on the branches, like Satan’s Klansmen perversely burning their inverted crucifixes to terrorize all lovers of righteousness.

Christmas Carols are not Hymns, in fact they are the anti-Hymns. What’s the difference? Carols don’t mention God, and for good reason. By leaving God out of the songs, they are Satan’s holy music. In fact, any music which does not reference God must, by its nature, be Satanic. To not mention God is to spit on God. Christmas Carols are a spitting contest sponsored by, and in praise of, the Devil himself. See how he keeps disguising these songs as “heart-warming” or “cheerful!” Of course they are cheerful, they don’t mention God or sin. And that is the one-way to ticket to infernal shades.

KWANZA(A) is an acronym that stands for Krushers With a Naughty Zeal for Anarchy (Association). Although this is portrayed as a recent development promoted by African Americans to ostensibly celebrate black heritage, it is merely black culture’s Satanic worship, just in their own vernacular. Since Satan is portrayed as a white man in Santa (see above), there needed to be an African counterpart to ensure that all Americans were led astray. And KWANZAA was made to fill that need.

So this season, when you are buying and wrapping those presents, just remember that the Evil One is smiling down upon all those rushing out buying things in praise of him, because Satan Always Likes Excess (SALE). And the fact that everyone thinks Christmas might be about something else is proof it isn’t.

Posted in Religion | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Schnozz of the Month: Christ as Salvator Mundi

A painting of Christ as Salvator Mundi, rediscovered in the 21st century and allegedly made by the hand of Leonardo, was sold last week for $450.3 million. This is the highest price ever disgorged for a painting. Of course, everyone in ours the Age of Big Money dreams of owning a da Vinci. There are thousands of billionaires on planet Earth, but only about two dozen surviving works attributed to Leonardo da Vinci; thus it is easy to imagine the scramble for ownership in this rare circumstance. However, there might be more to the furor than just one painter’s notoriety. Could the name “Leonardo da Vinci” really have gotten bidders so feverish as to blow their rolls twice, thrice over? We at The Schnozz are not convinced, especially after taking a peek at the picture ourselves.

Jesus is depicted with Renaissance garments and typical European facial features. Importantly, his schnozz is long and big. It is perhaps more than half the height of his face. Using Leonardo’s sfumato technique, this nose emerges bright from Christ’s dark visage like a heavenly light in the pagan fog, and when we try to make eye contact with our Lord and Savior, we find ourselves making nose contact instead. Surely it is more likely that this is the source of the painting’s immense price; a bold, immediately tangible nose like this one is certain to get billionaires ferreting through their wallets, much more so than the connection to some dead artist.

There are innumerable reasons for Jesus Christ to have such a long nose. Being the son of God, his human form must be biologically and aesthetically perfect, and naught is more perfect than a facially dominant, fully functioning sniffer. The Lord’s lungs are longer than everyone else’s; when a gust of wind comes, his nasal cavity must stretch far enough to accommodate his optimum lung power. Of course, this wind can also signify one of the Holy Ghost’s many earthly embodiments; when the Lord is thereby greeted by his third form, he utilizes his virtually interminable proboscis to suck up as much of the spirit as possible, as would be his duty.

It would not be an understatement to say that, in da Vinci’s depiction, it is not Jesus who is the savior of the world; rather, it is Jesus’ nose. Reaching from between his eyes toward the spectator, the bridge of Jesus’ nose slopes so straightly that it is not so much a bridge as a ladder—perhaps Jacob’s Ladder. Perhaps one day we will all slip upward on Jesus’ Holy Oily-Sloping Schnozz (HOSS) to reach Saint Peter. With such thoughts in mind, it is the least we can do to designate this icon of nasal brawn as the Schnozz of the Month.

Posted in Religion, SOTM (Schnozz Of The Month) | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Lifetime TV Announces a New Show with Abby Lee Miller – “Dance Or Be Devoured”

Untitled

Lifetime television has announced a new reality dance program called “Dance or Be Devoured,” featuring Abby Lee Miller, the star of “Dance Moms.” Twelve full-figured dancers will compete for the ultimate prize, or face the ultimate sacrifice. The prize is a weeklong eating contest with Abby Lee Miller on an exotic cruise; as for the eliminated contestant each week—well, we’re coming to that.

For those unfamiliar with the longstanding staple of the Lifetime television network, “Dance Moms” is a supposed ‘docu-series’ on the Lifetime television network. This show is described by the network as part documentary, part series—actually, it is all indigestion.

At the gravitational center of Lifetime Network’s “Dance Moms” is the vast girth of Abby ‘Umungus’ Lee Miller. The calorically challenged Abby Lee Miller (supposedly) coaches pre-teen girls how to (supposedly) perform as dancers. In the show Abby Lee Miller alternates between taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at the children, and then taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at their mothers. Many moms have admitted that they sent their children to Abby Lee Miller in order to punish their daughters for bad behavior, not necessarily to teach them how to dance. A show that centers on a gigantic troll woman bullying small and withering girls just because she’s Jabba the Hutt in a polyester pantsuit may seem entertaining, but we (supposedly) need to have a reason for these children to be there. Thus was added the dance aspect, and the disguise of dance coach is pretty thin to cover someone the size and temperament of Abby Lee, the Bloated One herself.

The new show, “Dance or Be Devoured,” is a dance competition with a twist: the loser of the weekly trial will be offered up as a sacrifice to the Goddess of Big Bellies and Lame Entertainment (also known as GOBBLE) and then eaten ceremoniously by GOBBLE herself: in human form, Abby Lee Miller, of course. This is set to be a regular part of the conclusion of each weekly installment. GOBBLE has an altar erected on the set of the stage, and it features an overblown image of Abby Lee’s gigantic open mouth, with the words FEED ME boldly printed above it and the word NOW printed below it. Apparently speakers placed deep inside the enormous mouth also reel off recordings of Abby Lee’s hoarse laughter as when she occasionally, and inconveniently, breaks wind during rehearsals. The mouth is set to release other gastronomic noises as suitable, for instance, to distract competitors while they are performing, or merely to bring attention back to Abby Lee Miller’s raucous and terrifying mannerisms.

PzjBu1T.pngBeing considered a Deity is nothing new for Abby Lee Miller. Occasionally, on “Dance Moms,” she will invoke her own name as an oath, or a sworn utterance. “By Abby Lee Miller, I will not allow this pathetic act to start the show tonight!” she sometimes says. Or, “Do you know who I am? I am Abby Lee Miller, and I demand that you obey my commands!” The children are also coached to say, when astonished, “Oh My Abby Lee Miller!” While Miller may seem to be larger than life, her grandeur and divinity is clearly in her mind, and quite possibly in her stomach.

The idea for the new show came during filming of this past season’s “Dance Moms.” After a grouchy Abby Lee showed up one morning late last November, complaining that the drive-thru only had seven Egg McMuffins instead of her usual nine that she orders, the day went from bad to worse. Around mid-morning, struck by a particularly acute hunger pang, Abby Lee blurted out, “I’m so hungry I could eat a Dance Mom!” It was nearing Thanksgiving, and Abby Lee sensed (nay, she knew) that eating was in the air. But, some of the little ones knew also, and became frightened. As the children glanced nervously at each other, hoping that they were not becoming little chicken wings and drumsticks in the eyes of the Big Bad Gaping Mouth, some mothers started yelling that they also were “so hungry,” but not quite that hungry, but enough that “they could eat a child, or two.” Such was the profound impact that Miller’s raging appetite exerts influence on all those other adult women around her. Abby Lee’s demands became more urgent, as she groaned loudly, “I NEED MEAT, NOW!!!” Thankfully, as it was near Thanksgiving, a producer rushed in with an 18 pound cooked and stuffed turkey (brought up from the studio kitchens earlier in the day as a precaution) to distract Abby Lee Miller and the mothers until order could be restored.

Then, it hit the producer: perhaps Abby Lee’s ever increasing appetite could be harnessed, and ultimately satisfied only with the taste of Long Pig, meaning, human flesh. And thus an idea was born: Abby Lee Miller, the Grande Dame of Gluttony, Ms. Carnivore Cannibal, the Great Devourer of All Flesh, the Bloated One herself, will eat you alive, literally, if you do not dance with all the chops you can muster.

Apparently, however, the competitors of the new show were a little confused about the real consequence of elimination in a particular round. For instance, since Abby Lee Miller is known as a blowhard who says things like, “I eat people like you for breakfast!” they merely concluded she was using a metaphor, and did not actual mean what she said. Little did they realize that Abby Lee Miller never jokes around about EATING. Another pet expression of hers, “I can’t wait to sink my teeth into you and chomp your guts out!” was always taken as her way of expressing how much of a professional she was, that the *dance* routine had to be just right. No, in fact, she means, she can’t wait to sink her teeth into you and chomp your guts out. But, the competitors had to learn this lesson the hard way.

So a big thank you to Lifetime television for bringing us more of Abby Lee Miller. We can’t wait to watch as her mouth, the yawning chasm that devours anything in its path, eats through almost a dozen contestants, until we reach the Grand Prize for the winner, the last dancer not to be devoured, to win the ultimate prize: to join Abby Lee Miller on an all-you-can-eat themed cruise, to last for seven hedonistic days and nights of steady, heavy, eating, featuring such delicacies on board as Elephant Fricassee, Braised Blue Whale, and Fried Filipino. This is set to be staged as a marathon eating session until either the winner breaks down and gives up, or Abby Lee retains her crown as the biggest, fattest, most gluttonous GOBBLE of them all.

Posted in Film & TV | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Doctor Agrees to Decapitate Patient, Feed it for up to One Year

8

A renowned surgeon in Bangalore, India has decapitated a male patient in following through with his surgical wishes, our investigative team reports. The patient, 22-year-old Mr. Yoyobumti (also known as Mr. Itmuboyoy; apparently the patient has used both names),  visited with Dr. Korupta approximately six months ago, complaining that he was “not meant to live with this hideous appendage,” and that he felt he was “born wrongly in this condition, I’m not supposed to have a head on my shoulders, or even be speaking to you through this offensive mouth.  On the inside I am a headless person.” Dr. Korupta agreed. He also said that if Yoyobumti were to undergo extensive treatment where he agreed to live openly and notoriously as a headless person unable to see, hear, smell, or talk, and then could convince him that he had made the adjustment successfully, at that point only would he follow through with the surgery.

Apparently Yoyobumti took the advice very seriously. He readily agreed that he could prove his desire to have the surgery if his family reported his progress in emulating a headless person, and that in each of his visits with the surgeon he would be first poked twice, then stomp his foot once for yes to confirm the request for decapitation, or stomp twice for “Need More Time.”

The Doctor decided to keep Yoyobumti’s head in a jar of formaldehyde, according to Korupta, “in case he changed his mind, or in case I did.”

After the surgery, Doctor Korupta intended to feed the headless body by means of a turkey baster, but admitted he had not thought through the logistics of precisely how to do this once the head had been severed and the wound presumably healed.

According to a former friend of Yoyobumti, the earnest young man had paid not only for the surgery but also for one year’s provision of an unidentified liquefied protein substance. It was his intent to continue making earnings by traveling in sideshows as “the headless Yoyo man, always up and down” where he would randomly jump to his feet followed by squatting, only to leap up again, and repeat this for as long as endurance permitted. “Mabmab, which is what we used to call him, thought he was going to be quite famous. Now sadly he is quite dead.”

When asked about his credentials as a surgeon, Dr. Korupta responded by saying that although he is a fully trained plant surgeon, it was not too hard for him to make the leap to living human tissue. That will be a question for the authorities to decide as they weigh the difficult question of the patient’s rights to live without a head and the medical ethics of informing a person of the realistic likelihood of survival to a decapitation.

Posted in News | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Schnozz of the Month: Rupi Kaur

Untitled

Rupi Kaur, the world’s most popular living poet, is not going away any time soon. Her sophomore publication, a poetry collection titled the sun and her flowers, is released this month. There is no doubt that her self-empowering, feminist vers libre speaks to this generation; however, a portion of her success must also go to her enormous schnozz. It is not just the sun and her flowers that is turning heads, but also the nose and its nostrils.

Unlike flowers, these nostrils aren’t for picking. The nature of Ms. Kaur’s giant aquiline honker is such that the skin is stretched taut on the sides, so the openings to her nostrils resemble something more like a power outlet, or two coin slots.

The apex is very fleshy and bulbous and, when silhouetted in a side view, it is evident how much it droops forward, like a wet sack of cheese straining whey off the bridge of her nose.

The curve of the bridge announces itself almost horizontally between her eyes—in fact, it protrudes so quickly and sharply that one almost wonders if some of it must extend into her skull. Perhaps this is only the Tip of the Noseberg, both literally and figuratively; perhaps we can achieve some understanding of Kaur’s great poetic success if we couple it with the success she has had in growing a stupendously sizable schnozzola. In order to correctly proportion the nose based on how much of it we can ogle at externally, we would likely need to chart the actual top of her dorsum nasi all the way back into her brain.

How could someone survive into adulthood with an internally invasive nasal structure? Well, we’re not scientists. Perhaps a Spontaneous, Microcosmic Evolutionary Lump of Luck (or SMELL) occurred and the rear of the nose fused with Kaur’s frontal lobe, thereby sparking untold synesthetic epiphanies and, consequently, literary genius.

Either way, we really like old Rupi and we wish both her and her formidable schnozz all the best.

Posted in Literature, SOTM (Schnozz Of The Month) | Tagged , | Leave a comment