Lifetime television has announced a new reality dance program called “Dance or Be Devoured,” featuring Abby Lee Miller, the star of “Dance Moms.” Twelve full-figured dancers will compete for the ultimate prize, or face the ultimate sacrifice. The prize is a weeklong eating contest with Abby Lee Miller on an exotic cruise; as for the eliminated contestant each week—well, we’re coming to that.
For those unfamiliar with the longstanding staple of the Lifetime television network, “Dance Moms” is a supposed ‘docu-series’ on the Lifetime television network. This show is described by the network as part documentary, part series—actually, it is all indigestion.
At the gravitational center of Lifetime Network’s “Dance Moms” is the vast girth of Abby ‘Umungus’ Lee Miller. The calorically challenged Abby Lee Miller (supposedly) coaches pre-teen girls how to (supposedly) perform as dancers. In the show Abby Lee Miller alternates between taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at the children, and then taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at their mothers. Many moms have admitted that they sent their children to Abby Lee Miller in order to punish their daughters for bad behavior, not necessarily to teach them how to dance. A show that centers on a gigantic troll woman bullying small and withering girls just because she’s Jabba the Hutt in a polyester pantsuit may seem entertaining, but we (supposedly) need to have a reason for these children to be there. Thus was added the dance aspect, and the disguise of dance coach is pretty thin to cover someone the size and temperament of Abby Lee, the Bloated One herself.
The new show, “Dance or Be Devoured,” is a dance competition with a twist: the loser of the weekly trial will be offered up as a sacrifice to the Goddess of Big Bellies and Lame Entertainment (also known as GOBBLE) and then eaten ceremoniously by GOBBLE herself: in human form, Abby Lee Miller, of course. This is set to be a regular part of the conclusion of each weekly installment. GOBBLE has an altar erected on the set of the stage, and it features an overblown image of Abby Lee’s gigantic open mouth, with the words FEED ME boldly printed above it and the word NOW printed below it. Apparently speakers placed deep inside the enormous mouth also reel off recordings of Abby Lee’s hoarse laughter as when she occasionally, and inconveniently, breaks wind during rehearsals. The mouth is set to release other gastronomic noises as suitable, for instance, to distract competitors while they are performing, or merely to bring attention back to Abby Lee Miller’s raucous and terrifying mannerisms.
Being considered a Deity is nothing new for Abby Lee Miller. Occasionally, on “Dance Moms,” she will invoke her own name as an oath, or a sworn utterance. “By Abby Lee Miller, I will not allow this pathetic act to start the show tonight!” she sometimes says. Or, “Do you know who I am? I am Abby Lee Miller, and I demand that you obey my commands!” The children are also coached to say, when astonished, “Oh My Abby Lee Miller!” While Miller may seem to be larger than life, her grandeur and divinity is clearly in her mind, and quite possibly in her stomach.
The idea for the new show came during filming of this past season’s “Dance Moms.” After a grouchy Abby Lee showed up one morning late last November, complaining that the drive-thru only had seven Egg McMuffins instead of her usual nine that she orders, the day went from bad to worse. Around mid-morning, struck by a particularly acute hunger pang, Abby Lee blurted out, “I’m so hungry I could eat a Dance Mom!” It was nearing Thanksgiving, and Abby Lee sensed (nay, she knew) that eating was in the air. But, some of the little ones knew also, and became frightened. As the children glanced nervously at each other, hoping that they were not becoming little chicken wings and drumsticks in the eyes of the Big Bad Gaping Mouth, some mothers started yelling that they also were “so hungry,” but not quite that hungry, but enough that “they could eat a child, or two.” Such was the profound impact that Miller’s raging appetite exerts influence on all those other adult women around her. Abby Lee’s demands became more urgent, as she groaned loudly, “I NEED MEAT, NOW!!!” Thankfully, as it was near Thanksgiving, a producer rushed in with an 18 pound cooked and stuffed turkey (brought up from the studio kitchens earlier in the day as a precaution) to distract Abby Lee Miller and the mothers until order could be restored.
Then, it hit the producer: perhaps Abby Lee’s ever increasing appetite could be harnessed, and ultimately satisfied only with the taste of Long Pig, meaning, human flesh. And thus an idea was born: Abby Lee Miller, the Grande Dame of Gluttony, Ms. Carnivore Cannibal, the Great Devourer of All Flesh, the Bloated One herself, will eat you alive, literally, if you do not dance with all the chops you can muster.
Apparently, however, the competitors of the new show were a little confused about the real consequence of elimination in a particular round. For instance, since Abby Lee Miller is known as a blowhard who says things like, “I eat people like you for breakfast!” they merely concluded she was using a metaphor, and did not actual mean what she said. Little did they realize that Abby Lee Miller never jokes around about EATING. Another pet expression of hers, “I can’t wait to sink my teeth into you and chomp your guts out!” was always taken as her way of expressing how much of a professional she was, that the *dance* routine had to be just right. No, in fact, she means, she can’t wait to sink her teeth into you and chomp your guts out. But, the competitors had to learn this lesson the hard way.
So a big thank you to Lifetime television for bringing us more of Abby Lee Miller. We can’t wait to watch as her mouth, the yawning chasm that devours anything in its path, eats through almost a dozen contestants, until we reach the Grand Prize for the winner, the last dancer not to be devoured, to win the ultimate prize: to join Abby Lee Miller on an all-you-can-eat themed cruise, to last for seven hedonistic days and nights of steady, heavy, eating, featuring such delicacies on board as Elephant Fricassee, Braised Blue Whale, and Fried Filipino. This is set to be staged as a marathon eating session until either the winner breaks down and gives up, or Abby Lee retains her crown as the biggest, fattest, most gluttonous GOBBLE of them all.