Schnozz of the Month: Rupi Kaur


Rupi Kaur, the world’s most popular living poet, is not going away any time soon. Her sophomore publication, a poetry collection titled the sun and her flowers, is released this month. There is no doubt that her self-empowering, feminist vers libre speaks to this generation; however, a portion of her success must also go to her enormous schnozz. It is not just the sun and her flowers that is turning heads, but also the nose and its nostrils.

Unlike flowers, these nostrils aren’t for picking. The nature of Ms. Kaur’s giant aquiline honker is such that the skin is stretched taut on the sides, so the openings to her nostrils resemble something more like a power outlet, or two coin slots.

The apex is very fleshy and bulbous and, when silhouetted in a side view, it is evident how much it droops forward, like a wet sack of cheese straining whey off the bridge of her nose.

The curve of the bridge announces itself almost horizontally between her eyes—in fact, it protrudes so quickly and sharply that one almost wonders if some of it must extend into her skull. Perhaps this is only the Tip of the Noseberg, both literally and figuratively; perhaps we can achieve some understanding of Kaur’s great poetic success if we couple it with the success she has had in growing a stupendously sizable schnozzola. In order to correctly proportion the nose based on how much of it we can ogle at externally, we would likely need to chart the actual top of her dorsum nasi all the way back into her brain.

How could someone survive into adulthood with an internally invasive nasal structure? Well, we’re not scientists. Perhaps a Spontaneous, Microcosmic Evolutionary Lump of Luck (or SMELL) occurred and the rear of the nose fused with Kaur’s frontal lobe, thereby sparking untold synesthetic epiphanies and, consequently, literary genius.

Either way, we really like old Rupi and we wish both her and her formidable schnozz all the best.

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The Ten Plagues; the Bill of Rights; Their Irrefutable Similarities

6423aed892dbf43714968caa3f627583_XLIt is common knowledge by now that numbers mean everything, and God doesn’t make things a certain number on accident. And so it should come as no surprise that our Founding Fathers were God-fearing carriers of divine truth. The Bill of Rights equals the Ten Commandments. Ten Commandments, ten Amendments in the Bill of Rights. Clear-cut, plain as the finger in your nose.

Here is something more remarkable, but lesser known. Just as the Ten Commandments were the model used by the Founding Fathers for the Bill of Rights, so also were the Ten Plagues tossed like a bad salad upon Egypt by the Lord. Absolute proof of this is easy enough: the Bill of Rights is both a shield from those who would want to take from me what’s rightfully mine, and also a sword against those who might like to fight me for it. This is because the Bill of Rights puts into the hands of every God-fearing American, every man woman and child, the divine symbol of authority: the firearm. Guns for all Americans are indeed from God. After all, the firearm and its owner together form the ultimate Tool of Liberty. And that Liberty is from God, it says so in the Constitution.

For the sake of space we will only devote our attention to the most important right, the 2nd amendment right to bear arms. This means not only to have the right, but to use it every living chance we get. There really is no opt-out on this one. Either you are for guns and God, or, you are against guns, and hence against God. If we were all to follow the 2nd commandment and the 2nd amendment to the letter, crime would be reduced to zero. We can wipe out all of the lawbreakers ourselves without waiting for someone else to step in.

The second commandment is not to make for ourselves, or to worship a graven image, in the likeness of anything creepy, fluttery, or otherwise hippety-hoppity. This fits in perfectly with the second plague, that of Frogs. It does not refer to the American Idols, because pop singers aren’t animals. Yet.

God sent Frogs to Egypt to force Pharaoh to release the Israelites. There are many ways Frogs are like guns: 1) the more there are the better likelihood of success; 2) they both make noise when you use them; 3) both frogs and guns can be concealed if necessary; 4) neither will work right if you submerge them in water for long. God could have sent guns instead of Frogs, but then Moses and Aaron and the rest would have had to complete a 5 day Close Quarters Battle Course as recommended by the NRA in order to complete their mission successfully. God didn’t have this kind of time.

It’s obvious what you’re thinking: the Frogs did not work. It took 8 more plagues, none of which were Guns to get the Israelites out. But that’s simply because Frogs are not Guns. That is why the second commandment says, Forget about worshipping the Frogs, they are not an effective deterrent after all, but Guns are. That is why God inspired the latter day Moseses, in the persons of the Founding Fathers, to write the second amendment. Think of it as a set of instructions with three easy steps: 1) Look at the Frog; 2) Don’t worship the Frog, because a Gun is better; 3) Everyone must have a Gun. If we want to please God, we need to adhere closely to these instructions. Do not worship Frogs, they are not as good as Guns. There is no prohibition on the worship of the Gun, because it doesn’t really look like an animal, and every gun isn’t God. The people must bear arms and carry guns. People means everybody, not just grown men. It probably also should include primates, maybe even pandas, koala bears and opossums because they all have opposable thumbs, but that is a topic for another day. If they can shoot it they should have it!

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Madea Actually Played by a Giraffe? – Audiences Are Still Enthralled


Subject of the upcoming inter-genre motion picture Boo 2! A Madea Halloween, the character of Madea is a multi-million dollar idea that just keeps growing in popularity. However, some dramatic new information has been revealed that could permanently alter your perception of the franchise: Madea is actually a male giraffe calf dressed up as an enormous middle-aged grumpy black woman who has a penchant for corporal punishment but a heart of gold.

Gasps of “Nuh-Uh” and “No Way” were heard when this news first broke. Yes, though it may seem incredible, Madea is not an actual woman, and is not played by a female actor. “But she seems so real!” blurted one moviegoer. “I thought she was just like my grandma,” said another.

That Madea is played by a male giraffe calf explains her extraordinary height, listed as 6’5″. It is well known that newborn giraffe calves are approximately 6 feet tall.

However, Madea is no male giraffe calf drag queen. She is not dressed up for pageantry or prizes. She wears what is best described as a “muumuu,” a large shapeless caftan-like dress; she has silver hair, oversized spectacles, and not-too-dressy but tasteful shoes. When Madea has to speak, an optical effect is used to make it appear that the mouth is moving. Reports are that a human voice is used to dub the speech itself. This would be necessary as everyone knows that giraffes cannot speak, and they especially cannot speak “sassy.” The wig, of course, covers what would be giveaway bumps and tiny ears.

It should also be noted that the producers could not use the very same giraffe calf through all of the Madea movies (nine of them to date, besides the occasional appearances on several television shows), and even within the same movie, if the viewer is particularly perceptive, it appears that there are several giraffe calf stand-ins, as giraffe calves are union-required to complete a certain number of giraffe school hours, and under a certain age can only work a limited number of hours a day.

Working with male giraffe calves has its challenges, to be sure. “There’s a lot of slapstick involved,” explained co-producer Ozzie Areu. “But we want to assure our audiences that no male giraffe calves are harmed in the making of any of the Madea movies.” Mr. Areu saved his biggest surprise for last: “In fact, we are thinking about working with an adult giraffe, but as you know, they can be almost 18 feet tall, and although we do think Madea is a larger-than-life character, we wouldn’t want to strain the audience’s credulity on this point. We are definitely trying to keep it real. Who knows, you might just see an 18 foot Madea one of these days!”

Whatever the producer’s decision, Tyler Perry’s Madea will continue to slap, tickle, guffaw, and delight audiences everywhere, whether as a 6’5″ male giraffe calf or even, potentially, as a full grown 18 foot adult giraffe.

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